My Husband and I
Dark Romance ?
Episode 14
Fair warning: this episode is quite long. Longer than every other episodes.
~ Mary’s POV ~
I was rambling about another man to my best friend. Although I knew she wouldn’t think badly of me, I thought the worst of myself. “Am I a horrible wife?” I felt tears up in my eyes.
“I’ve only known the man for a short time and I can’t stop thinking about him, Comfort. I can’t get him out of my mind. Whenever I’m with John, I start wishing I was with Abbey instead. What’s wrong with me?” A tear trailed down my face. I started crying and she pulled me into a hug.
“It’s okay shh, it’s okay,” she consoled me, rocking us back and forth lightly.
I felt terrible for ruining her joyous return to Lagos, but I had to let it out. The recent months have been consuming me, especially with my appointment looming over my head. It was bad enough that I’ve done the opposite of getting pregnant.
But now I am lusting over another man. After a while of crying, I sniffed while she still had her arms around me. She used one hand to grab a tissue from the tissue bot and handed it to me. I took it gracefully and began drying my face.
“Listen to me,” she started. “John did worse Sh|t.”
“Two wrongs don’t make a right, Comfort,” I interrupted.
“I know, but he’s done Sh|t worse than this. I’m not saying what you have going on is right, even though you two agreed on friends. But..” she paused.
“Mary, if this man is making you feel this way after only a few short meetings, why not see where it goes.”
“You’re not just saying that because you h@të John, right?” I joked and blew into the tissue.
“So, what if I am?” she shrugged a bit, and I cracked a smile. “I don’t h@të your husband. I just h@të what he’s done to you.”
Nodding at her, from her point of view, I could understand. If her partner had done half the stuff he’s done to me, I’d want to take up for my friend. Luckily, Ikenna was the best of his kind.
“I knew he was this way since the moment we met. I could see right through him.” I gave her a look, but she continued. “And I know you don’t want to hear this, but maybe you should try to talk John out of having kids now. You wouldn’t want him to find out about the pills himself. Just tell him you are stressed or something. He’s dumb to believe it.” She mumbled the last part, but I still heard her.
“Comfort!” I gasped.
“It slipped out, sorry,” but she didn’t sound sorry at all.
“As I said, test out the waters with Abbey. See if the way he acts sticks or if it’s a front. You can remain friends or…” She let the sentence hang before she put up her pointer finger and used her other hand to form a circle. She stuck her pointer finger through the ‘hole’ to indicate sëx. I rolled my eyes and swatted her hands away as she burst out laughing. Once her laughter stopped, I nodded my head.
“Ok,” I agreed.
“But my dear,” he looked me directly in my eyes, turning serious. “You need to make a decision regardless if you choose to do wh@tëver with your side man or not. You need to figure out what you truly want in your life. A marriage you aren’t happy in or yourself. Remember, you don’t owe John anything and you deserve happiness.”
I didn’t respond as I thought of the words she spoke. I wasn’t upset or anything of the sort. I was happy that I had Comfort. She always told me the truth and listened to me when she was able to. She was right in many ways. I had to think of what I wanted my future to look like. I was beginning to get tired of my life with John, though I was afraid to admit it. He’s all I really know besides Comfort. I honestly didn’t know how to be alone after being thrown out of the orphanage, I was struggling. I didn’t know how to do things until John came along and I somehow fell for him.
Since meeting Abbey, I’ve realized a few things. One is that I don’t think John fully loved me. He’s never complimented me as much as Abbey has, or thanked me for all I do as his wide. For sticking up for him and holding him down. Sure, we’ve had great moments through the years, but my belly didn’t flutter when he was around anymore. All I felt now was an eerie feeling of dread.
***
It was the day of our appointment with the fertility specialist. I was so nervous as I made breakfast for us. I was already dressed and ready, feeling less enthusiastic for the day.
However, I noticed John seemed to be in a good mood. He took off from work so he could be there with me. A part of me was happy he took off for my sake, but another was bummed. I couldn’t lie about me being there when I didn’t go. I thought of a thousand ways to get out of this appointment, but none of them stuck. I had to put on a brave face and bear the weight of today.
Along with the dreaded appointment, Comfort’s words still rang in my ears. She was correct that I had to choose. But the thought of leaving John made me feel nauseous. I was afraid to leave him and face what was out there in the world. I didn’t want to be alone like I was at the age of eighteen. The fact that I was entertaining the idea itself hardly sat right.
How could I leave the man who had given me everything? And the thought of that made me feel weak as a woman. Comfort said I didn’t owe him, but I did. He helped me, saved me, and loved me for the clueless young woman that I was. I didn’t know better.
My thoughts astounded me as my mind traveled to the face of Abbey, picturing his face in my mind, my heart pumped harder. No, no, I just met him and we are friends. Nothing more, I told myself.
Suddenly, arms wrapped around my waist as John hugged me from behind. He leaned his head on my shoulder before kissing my cheek.
“Mary,” he sang in my ear before biting it gently. He started to land kisses on my ear before moving down to my neck.
“John,” I warned lightly. I wasn’t in the mood for sëx and I knew during appointments like the one we were about going, we would do many tests. Tests such as a pap smear. It would be embarrassing if they saw my husband’s seed leaking from me as they do the test.
“We can’t have sëx before the appointment.”
“Why?” he groaned.
“Because they’ll know we had sëx before coming,” I pulled away from him.
Grabbing plates from the cabinet, I started placing the food I cooked on them. I handed a plate to John before getting mine ready.
“Fine,” he said. “But after the appointment, I want you in our bed.”
I held back a sigh, keeping my back turned from him. John was being playful for once, but I wasn’t in the mood. It was odd to see him excited when he has anything but happy the past few months. I felt bad that I was a part of his unhappiness, but I was still unsure about having a kid with him. John wasn’t a bad man, but with everything that’s happened in our marriage. I was unsure.
Is this the life I want?
***
Pulling up to the hospital, John parked in front of the building. It was still early in the morning, so there weren’t many cars around. Most probably belonging to the people who work here. We got out of the car before heading in. When we entered, I noticed two other people waiting separately in the waiting room.
John and I walked up to the front desk with a woman clacking on her keyboard. It took us less than a minute to check in with him before we were sitting in chairs in the waiting room. The woman had told us we would be attended to shortly. It was one of those big and equipped hospitals in the heart of Lagos.
As the moments ticked by, my hands had gotten clammy. My anxiety was beginning to make an appearance. I closed my eyes and concentrated on my breathing. Once my heart went back to being calm, I glanced at John.
He was watching the news on the television while his leg bounced. It seemed I wasn’t the only one nervous. I placed my hand on his thigh reassuring, to quell his shaking. His attention turned to me.
Before he had a chance to speak, a voice gained our attention.
“John’s family?” They asked, and we rose from our seats. A woman in scrubs held a folder in her hand. “Hello, please, follow me.”
We followed the woman to the back room, with John in the front and I at the back.
Soon enough, she let us into a small room that had a medical bed with a long sheet of white paper laying on it. There were also two chairs sitting in the corner of the room.
Lastly, there was a system and medical desk stationed by the medical bed on the wall. “It’s nice to meet you both. What’s your appointment all about?”
“I’m… we are trying to have a child and we have been having trouble,” I told her.
“How long have you two been trying to conceive?” She began to type away on her system.
“Close to a year now, John spoke up. He moves closer and seated himself in one of the chairs. The woman nodded and she asked a lot of questions, such as menstrual cycle, and irregularities or discomfort, my sëxual history, surgeries,s and the number of times Joh would chime in. She also asked John about his medical history which he answered..
After answering, she told me they would be doing tests to determine what was wrong. She then handed me a medical gown to change into. As soon as she left the room, I got off the bed and began to undress. All I could focus on was the ceiling above us and the light in the room. My eyes were beginning to strain from looking at the light for too long.
However, it was better than focusing on what was happening between my legs. John was sitting in the exact spot from earlier, and I could feel his gaze on me. I knew it was normal for women to do this, but it was so awkward. Although I didn’t like appointments like this, I knew it was important to get checked.
Luckily, my doctor was an older and kind woman. The minute she came into the room earlier, she greeted me warmly before telling me what was going to take place. I heard the squeak of her chair as she rolled away. I brought my gaze down to see her reach her medical desk. She placed the Q-tip that was on me into a tube. She then grabbed a metal object that had me throwing my head back to see the ceiling.
I knew what it was immediately and a large part of me wished I wasn’t here. I heard her make her way toward me again, and she placed a gentle touch on my leg to gain my attention.
“Alright, Mrs. John,” she paused as she got her tools ready.
“I’m going to use this tool to loom inside of your V@?i?@ just to get a look at your cërvjx and check for any infection. Please, do let me know at any time if you are in pain or uncomfortable and I will immediately stop,” she told me.
I nodded, then saw her coat the tool in lube. I looked back up at the ceiling once I saw her begin to insert the instrument inside of me.
When I first went to LUTH, I mean Lagos State Teaching Hospital. I panicked seeing the metal tool. I felt naïve that day, but my doctor at that time was excellent and John was by my side. He wanted me to get checked before we get married, even though I didn’t know it was something I had to do. At that time, he waited outside, but during the next few years, he would sit right beside me. Unlike now, where he sat across the room.
A few minutes passed before she removed the tool and got ready for the last step of the exam, which was to check my uterus, cërvjx, and ovaries. After changing her gloves, she lubed them before inserting two fingers inside me. She used her other hand and placed it below my stomach, pressing gently. It was weird, feeling her gloved fingers inside me as she felt for anything out of place.
Before I knew it, she was done. She placed her tools away first and then came over to help lift my feet out of the straps. I pulled down the gown when my legs were free and then sat up.
“Ok, Mrs. John, the last thing we’ll do today is your blood test and then you’ll be free to go. It will take a few weeks for the tests to get back, but we’ll give you a call as soon as possible. Do you have any questions?”
I saw John hesitate a moment before he spoke up.
“Would a…,” he swallowed harshly. “Would a previous miscarriage affect our chances of having a child?”
I blinked once, before the doctor’s voice brought me back to focus. My eyes blurred slightly as I fought the urge to release a tear. I tightened my hands, balling them into fists by my side. I wasn’t expecting him to mention that.
I glanced at him from the corner of my eye as I ducked my head low, anger burning inside of me.
“How long ago did this occur?” asked the doctor.
I felt John’s gaze shift to me, but I didn’t say anything. I didn’t want to. I never wanted to come here in the first place. I never wanted to come here in the first place. Why would he mention that?..
“A year and a half ago,” he answered.
***
I slammed the car door shut with more force than necessary. John followed behind me as I walked toward our home. I unlocked the door with my keys, not bothering to hold it open for him as I walked inside.
As I walked inside the kitchen, I heard his footsteps behind me. I immediately opened the refrigerator to grab a water bottle.
“Mary,” he called out, but I ignored him. I didn’t speak to him while he drove us home and didn’t plan for the rest of the day. Holding the bottle in my hand, I exited the kitchen to go to the bedroom.
“You are being childish.”
“Me?” I whirled around and then scoffed.
I wasn’t going to get into a fight with him. I just wanted to lie down. I continued walking towards our room and the moment I got there, I slammed the door in his face, locking it so he couldn’t enter.
“Mary,” the door handle jiggled. “Open the door,” he said.
“Just go away,” I told him. I didn’t want to fight with him about what happened.
The rational part of my brain was telling me that it was something the doctor needed to know. But the other h@tëd the reminder that I had a miscarriage. Oh! God.
I eventually unlocked the door and ran inside the bathroom to get to the toilet. Just as I opened the lid of the water closet and bent on my knees, I threw up. My body lurched as the food I ate that morning came out. I groaned as I sat hunched over the toilet. Perhaps the recent events had caught up to me or I just ate something bad.
I knew I was being selfish, I was putting myself in an uncomfortable position just because I didn’t want to tell John the truth. And the truth was literally lurking out of me. Painfully, my stomach rolled and I tasted bile in my tongue. Not only were my lies and guilt eating at me, but when John mentioned the loss… It hurt. It still hurts and clearly, I was so affected by what happened that I was sick from the memory.
I never wanted to mention it again. I didn’t want to think about it. I wanted to leave it in the past as if it never happened. I didn’t even tell Comfort about it. Only John knew about it.
I heard the sound of feet flattering against the floor. However, I was exhausted from puking to loom behind me. Though I already knew it was John. I heard him grab a clean rag from the drawer at the sink before he wet it.
Then he bent down to my level, lifted my head, and began to clean my mouth. It shocked me he was doing this, as we haven’t been intimate in such a way unless we were having sëx. But I didn’t pull against him. I didn’t have the energy.
After wiping my mouth, he handed me a bottle of water. I assured it was the one I brought with me. When I finished taking a few sips, I handed it back to him. He held the bottle in one have while he brought his other closer to my face.
Suddenly, he wiped the tears I hadn’t noticed off my face.
“I’m sorry,” his apology sounded sincere. “I know that mentioning the miscarriage is hard on you, but I just wanted to make sure we would have another chance. So we can have a family. Don’t you want that for us?”
Tell him. The voice in the back of my mind urged me. Tell him the truth.
I opened my mouth to speak, but nothing came out.
“Don’t you love me?” His voice echoed in the bathroom. My eyes widened in surprise and despair.
“Of course, I love you,” I told him as much as my voice carrying a rasp, dry and hoarse from puking.
“Then, let’s have a baby.”
***
This is the end of part 1.
